Hopefully you all had a lovely holiday, and possibly even gained a few pounds. I sure did. I spent my Thanksgiving devouring turkey, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, stuffing and pie at a speed that only Michael Phelps could have matched. But it wasn’t all about the food for all of us. Some of those in the public eye had a very different vacation than we did.
Barack Obama, for example, spent the holiday in a vow of silence imposed by his family and friends, none of whom wanted to hear one goddamn word about how he was thankful for being president of the United Freaking States.
John McCain, on the other hand, spent his time in his study staring at a picture of the presidential seal with two kinds of bird: roasted turkey and Wild Turkey.
Ron Paul chose this moment to announce his new campaign to “get back to basics” regarding Thanksgiving. The Texas representative held a brief press conference at his home and talked about the new initiative, the goals of which he said include “a return to tradition, including eating dinner with full-blooded American Indians, giving them smallpox and, above all, reinvesting in the gold standard.” Paul then spoke for 10 straight minutes about the gold standard without pausing for breath.
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert attended a Thanksgiving celebration for comedians held at Lewis Black’s house. All in attendance gave thanks communally for the limitless comedic possibilities that this ridiculous nation has afforded them.
Sarah Palin had another bitterly cold Alaskan Thanksgiving, but managed to warm herself with plenty of home-roasted moose, prepared with garlic and rosemary. With stuffing and broccoli on the side, of course.
CEOs in the financial world and from the Big Three automakers spent Thanksgiving choking back copious amounts of saliva at the prospect of receiving several billion dollars apiece from a potential bailout from the incoming Obama administration.
George W. Bush spent his last Thanksgiving as president with his family, from whom he enjoys an impressive 65 percent approval rating. (Controversy over the thorny issue of neutering has taken its toll on Bush’s relationship with the “household dog” constituency.)
Goth kids and shrieking Robert Pattinson fan girls the world over gave thanks for the release of “Twilight,” the relentlessly emo vampire romance movie that reportedly wields the power to emasculate any adult male from a range of 300 yards.
So it was a mixed bag all around. To be honest, my holiday was not a flawless one. A high school student insulted Coldplay to my face, and I was forced to destroy a snowman in retaliation. But by and large, I had a good time. And I hope that all of you, no matter your race, creed or philosophy, had a wonderful vacation.
And don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll find something to get an aneurysm about next week.