Binghamton University. A magical place. A place filled with students from all over the world of New York. A place where the most powerful, wealthy group isn’t the SA: it’s Chabad. A place where you never see the same Asian student twice. My name is Darian Lusk, and I am here to pilot you through your college experience with my life guidance column, Behind The Glasses.
Let me tell you about myself. (If you’re only here for the life guidance, please skip to paragraph five.) I’m a junior majoring in English (I’m incredibly fluent in English) and minoring in music. Most English majors opt for a “practical” minor. Not this guy. I enjoy writing, comedy and the rule of threes. I live in Downtown Binghamton, so come through any time (girls free before 11). I judged Miss Asia last semester. I was in the Binghamtonics for one week. I’m really into short sentences (and parentheses). I wear glasses, and I never take them off, even when I’m sleeping. I even wear them in my dreams.
Here’s the thing, Binghamton: I’m here because you are in desperate need of some guidance. So in our first entry of BTG (yeah we’re acronyming already, Ikr) I will offer 10 gems of wisdom to help you on your college journey and hopefully bring some hope to our student body. Self-confidence boosting, romantic wisdom, the economy, gun control, women’s rights (the fight is never over) — nothing is off-limits. So good luck, and use the life guidance wisely.
(Paragraph break. Deep breath. Doing amazing so far.)
1. To succeed in college, you need to party a lot. Life is a party, and we all need to be living more. If you’re sober right now, you don’t party enough, and if you’re reading Pipe Dream, you definitely don’t party enough. In fact, if you’re reading Pipe Dream, you’ll probably need alcohol just to get through it! *Slam*
2. Bankrupt your parents. Guys, we’re getting to the point where soon our parents are going to stop paying for everything we do. But before that happens, we should be dropping bills. We should be opening bar tabs, using our meal plans to buy food for our off-campus friends, investing in start-up companies. It’s what mom and dad get for leaving us here. Possible school slogan: Binghamton University — you get used to it.
3. Crime. As college students, I believe we have the responsibility to commit one legitimate crime before we become adults and just give up on everything. Drugs and alcohol don’t count, unless you’re dealing drugs in an attempt to establish yourself as a local kingpin and gain upward mobility amongst your fellow students. Dealing hard drugs is a great way to do that. Start thinking about what crime you will commit. Hate crimes and crimes of passion don’t count. I’m not talking about anything too crazy: maybe stealing a trash can, peeing on the Pegasus statue, even prostitution (either hiring a prostitute or becoming one). Anything that would go down in Grand Theft Auto Binghamton, and that’s not even much of a stretch. This city is Grand Theft Auto. I punched a hooker in the face last weekend.
4. Find your people. One of the best things about college is that you meet people who are into the same stuff as you, whether you’re into music, statistics, other guys, obscure religions, anime, really specific foot fetishes (big toe play only), frat life or even writing advice columns that no one will read. Hang out with people who are just like you. Unless you hate yourself. Then you should hang out with a therapist.
5. Freshmen, leave high school behind. Kids who come to college and cling to their high school friends or try a long-distance relationship with a high school sweetheart are just screwing themselves (double meaning in the relationships case). Let it go. If I learned anything from “Toy Story 3,” other than how to cry in a movie theater, it’s that when you come to college, you gotta leave your home behind.
6. No regrets, only mistakes. Life is full of regret. I should’ve only had 10 drinks. I should’ve asked my secret crush to prom instead of my friend. I shouldn’t have even read this article, this isn’t useful advice. But seriously guys, you’re only young once. YOYO? I’ll try to bounce back from that one. Wow lame pun. Whatever, no regrets, am I right? #practicewhatyoupreach.
7. The seventh of my 10 life tips of the week: Integrity. Integrity is about standing behind your choices. Integrity is about finishing what you start.