It’s that time again!

Pipe Dream’s hallowed tradition of issuing end-of-semester report cards continues with the new Fall 2005 line. Here’s where you can see how your favorite campus celebrities rate in the eyes of your favorite — make that your only — campus newspaper.

The Student Association

-Mike Smyth, president: He’s diplomatic and suave; we’d have his babies if he looked at us the right way. Off-campus BUC$ would be cool — when it happens. Has he chosen a senior class council? We’re not too sure — but that may very well the fault of his public relations staff. Interesting to note, though: by this time last year, Matt Schneider had scheduled the now infamous Town Hall forums with Lois B. DeFleur, Rodger Summers and all the administration bigs. Even so, we’re sorry we endorsed one of Smyth’s opponents during last year’s election. Seriously. Sorry. B

-Dave Belsky, executive vice president: 1. Keep power where it belongs, with the students. 2. What happened to the secretary? B

-Pat Craig, vice president for University programming: Some saw Ludacris as a resounding success, while others considered it a washout. The Lewis Black/Stephen Lynch show kicked ass. Rumors of Dane Cook abound for next semester, despite the basketball team’s best-laid plans. A-

-Ju-Sun Lee, ex-vice president for multicultural affairs: Running for a position, winning and then ditching in the middle of the semester is a pretty messed up thing to do. He gets extra suck points for being a paid S.A. public official who inexplicably can’t have a photograph taken of him. Thanks for giving it your all! W/F (withdraw/fail)

-Jesse Reed, sitting VPMA: Good luck dealing with the tangle of empty rhetoric this place is so adept at weaving. Maybe you’ll actually be able to change something. Why don’t you tell us more about yourself?

-Mike Zablow, financial vice president: Good job forgetting to inform student groups that purchase orders wouldn’t be issued starting the Monday after Thanksgiving until the Monday after Thanksgiving. We don’t know if it caused anyone else a problem, but keep in mind that your job exists to make student groups leaders’ jobs easier. Refer to Belsky part 1. C

-The Student Assembly: The most useless body on campus. How are you working for students? Hurricane Katrina relief is noble, but there are pressing issues on campus, too. And a photo-op toy drive? Sure, kids needy kids could use the help; but why aren’t more important things being publicized? It’s because they’re not being done. Why not ditch the lame partisan junior politics and do something for students? Instead of wasting our time because you can’t do your own leg work, do some real research, work together and accomplish things you’ll be proud of when you graduate. If they can do it at New Paltz, you can do it, too. D–

Administration

-Computing services/telecommunications: What’s with leaking all those people’s Social Security numbers? Everyone makes mistakes, but we’re lucky that one was caught by a student’s relative, and not somehow exploited for evil.

Why is the online Telecom directory down at least half the time we’re trying to look up a number? And what’s the deal with the University e-mail? Every time it goes down, so do about 50 unlucky people’s GPAs. And it’s been too many times. Also, the University uses Squirrel Mail because it’s free, but it’s slower than the speed limit around the Brain. Maybe it’s time to spend some money on a reliable, efficient mail client and do what’s necessary to make sure there are no more hardware hiccups that grind campus to a halt. Think about it: how many people use e-mail, versus how many Sun Microsystems computer stations? Till they invest the cash, we’ll just have to use Gmail. C–

-BU libraries: These are the last holdouts of actually fulfilling the mission of academia. You guys really do take the cake. There is no place on campus with people who are more helpful and knowledgeable. You can call, instant message, e-mail, or chat with librarians for help. And it’s the one place where you’ll be lsitened to if you have a legitimate excuse. When we need assistance, you’re there. But we could use you 24 hours a day, every day. Soon, please? A

-Newing Dining Hall: Looks good, and people just can’t stop talking about the new ice cream machine and the dessert section. But the dining hall is still too dark, and the redesign’s ease of theft forces Sodexho workers to turn into surveillance operatives. What if we want to throw our receipts away? And that gust door is a bit much. B+

Students

-The jerks who can’t be bothered to clean up their messes in the Newing Dining Hall: Grow up. F

-People who mess up the bathrooms: Aim. Wipe. Flush. This isn’t hard. F

-Student activists: Guys, come on. Give the signs and chants a rest. It’s cold enough by the fountain as is; your belligerance only makes it frostier. The 1960s are long gone, and the world is a different place. And screaming at passersby isn’t an exchange of ideas, it’s simply hostile masturbation. If you’re going to try to make a difference, learn the system and subvert it. C-

-Other BU publications: Where have ye gone, The Spark? We thought you were waiting in the wings to bring down the establishment — and us. Guess you’re too busy with the above. Binghamton Review — man, it sucks that “student activists” (see also above) stole thousands of your magazines. We don’t always agree with you, but damned if you don’t have a right to publish without the risk of theft. InsideBU: kudos on looking really good. You may be a PR rag, but your design and coverage have improved dramatically. You actually make the University look good — kind of, in a toolish sort of way. C-

-That douchebag who won’t shut up in class: There’s a reason professors have office hours. You’re it. When you’re about to open your mouth to put forth an inane question, stop and ask yourself: does the question you’re about to ask have a legitimate value to the class? Or do you just want to hear yourself talk? F

Sports and entertainment

-Magic City Music Hall: Hey, we liked you! We know you needed to do repairs, but what happened to “opening by the end of the month?” We need something else to do besides drink, go to Late Nite or — gasp — do homework! Stop advertising shows that just get relocated. C–

Volleyball Team: Talk about a Cinderella story. The women’s volleyball team surpassed everyone’s expectations this season, on the way to its first America East Championship. After losing their top three players from a fourth place squad a year ago, the Bearcats were predicted to finish in sixth oplace. Who would have guessed the volleyball team would be BU’s only fall conference champion? A

Al Walker: It’s tough to judge men’s basketball head coach Al Walker so early in the season, but his team better pick things up soon: his job is at stake. After huge expectations, the Bearcats opened the season 0-5, including terrible losses to Mount St. Mary’s and Central Connecticut State. Now in his sixth year at the helm, Walker must prove sustainable coaching ability before it’s too late. INCOMPLETE