Last week, Binghamton University president Lois B. DeFleur and her vice presidents gave the faculty a look at the University’s Strategic Plan (see Page 1). This document, a five-year plan, will guide the decisions of BU’s leadership for the forseeable future. Stalinism references aside — there are many, and they are easily made — this plan and those that came before it are probably the most influential documents to have hit this place.

In keeping with the spirit of strategic planning, Pipe Dream humbly offers some projections as to what the University will look like after two Strategic Plans — ten years from now. Will cars fly? Will Sodexho be serving exotic game meats? What will it really be like in 2016?

*Youths nationwide will band together and vote in a bloc to reduce the drinking age to 18. Distraught, Rodger Summers and Milton Chester, the architects of BU’s now-useless alcohol policy, will turn their attention to the college’s next big scourge: Ultimate Frisbee.

*Physical Facilities installs bleachers in Lecture Hall I. It is promptly renamed the DeFleur Center for the Instructional Arts.

*The funding for Harpur College will have dwindled to such a trickle that only three majors will remain: English, economics and Judaic studies.

*The Student Association will actually get something done.

*Lucrative contracts and grants, plus good ole’ hometown pride, will lead to BU’s triumphant new name: The Coca-Cola Institute of Technology at Vestal.

*The administration will finally get to build its $400,000 sign; but because of inflation, it will be a very small sign, made of cardboard and duct tape.

*Baxter the Bearcat causes a lawsuit to be brought against the University because he looks too much like the new, cooler Bonkers D. Bobcat. He is replaced with Carl the Delicious, Refreshing, 20-oz. Coke Bottle.

*The Triple Cities will see a new heyday (and population boom) when trichloralethylene is actually determined to be an aphrodisiac. “TCE Love Juice,” as the concotions involving the chemical solvent will be called, will be the foundation of a new flourishing pornography industry masterminded by two School of Management students in Newing’s Bingham Hall.

*The administration’s Rec Center will finally come to fruition. Touting extensive student polling, it will feature a lazy river, an ice-climbing wall and a ball pit.

*The Rathskeller Pub’s late-night thumping bass will finally be too much for Rocky’s. The pizzeria will partially collapse into the dance floor below, clearing the first path to the Rocky’s bathroom after nightfall in decades. Ironically, it will immediately be vandalized.