Thanksgiving is a time when we at Pipe Dream visit our relatives, gorge on turkey (or for the vegans among us, Tofurkey) and reflect on what here at Binghamton makes us thankful. We’ve sat down and come up with a list of the things that most make us want to give BU, its administration and the Triple Cities a big giant hug.

We’d first like to thank the BU administration for making us pay for blue books while it spends thousands of dollars on trying to push a glitzy rec center. And thank you, faculty and staff, for forcing us to decide two weeks into the semester whether we want to be in your stupid class anyway. And let’s not forget BU’s initiative to make more classes start earlier — especially on Fridays — to discourage drinking! We really appreciate you for making this godforsaken waste hole of a county even more unbearable, Sunday through Thursday.

Of course, as our columnist Graham Kates mentioned two issues ago, the douchebags in class don’t help, either. Thanks for showing us all how not smart you are at the expense of our time and brain power. When these people start talking, we often find the need to get out of class and take a breather. So thanks, handicapped toilets, for giving us a place to sit for a minute or an hour. But no thanks for that Fiesta toilet paper — take it from people who use it day in, day out. That is some rough stuff.

And, of course, we love those resident assistants who throw their lives into their jobs, and do nothing but keep close tabs on their residents. Nobody cares about your programs, pal. These are the same kind of people who won’t hold the door for you when you’ve forgotten your key — for “security’s sake.” They’ll dutifully call the police upon the faintest smell of pot, and never fail to write us up when given the chance. Chill out, narcs.

The real thanks go to the RAs who do have lives. Thanks for not making ours miserable.

Those students who do get drunk downtown will want to thank Keystone and Milwaukee’s “Beast” Best for being extremely affordable and for making Bud Light look classy. And thanks to Wal-Mart, Price Chopper and Wegmans for being open all night for us to get said beer, or for assorted snacks when liquor laws force them to stop. And Wal-Mart, despite its corporate hugeness, deserves recognition for being the only place where you can go play with a hula hoop if you’re bored, or if you’re in a bind you can get pick up a pair of dress slacks four hours before the big interview.

Thanks also to the PODs for giving us 24-hour access to computers, and Harpur’s Ferry to 24-hour access to Lourdes Hospital. Thanks especially to Health Services, where students enter sick and leave sicker, and where medicine comes in a self-serve brown paper bag.

Our deepest sincere gratitude goes to the wait staff at The Spot, Dunkin’ Donuts and especially the hotties at Denny’s, who have to deal with college kids’ idiocy. They’re working hard for a living while we’re pouring our condiments into a glass of milk and shooting spitballs at each other. Special kudos go to Sodexho for still not catching on to the idea that 24-hour operations might be profitable.

But we really are thankful to have Sodexho’s people, like the Food Court’s Jimmy or Dickinson Dining Hall’s Tammy.

Thanks, Late Nite Binghamton, for giving us bowling on the cheap when we’re disgusted by the basketball team. Seriously — we love bowling. But the video games could use a little updating. “Arkanoid” was fun when it first came out, but now my cell phone has more computing power than all those games combined.

And a very special thanks to the Susquehanna River and the Vestal Parkway for separating BU from the city of Binghamton, forcing us to spend weekends either stuck on campus playing “Street Fighter II” or clamoring for a cab to one of the handful of illustrious State Street bars. Downtown, we salute you for fostering a safe, clean, sanitary drinking environment. And by that, we mean we don’t salute you. We know students are rabble-rousers and all, but it sure would be nice to be able to take a crap on State Street if necessary and not have to hold it in until 3:30. Bonus points go to those establishments whose bathrooms mysteriously become “under repair” when the sun sets.

Bar owners: thanks for letting us in with our shitty fake IDs. No, seriously. We mean it. Please don’t stop.

But back to Binghamton’s cabbies. These are the folks who we entrust with our lives… all 12 of us in that one Crown Victoria. Most of them are decent people. But then there are the ones who refuse to bathe, fall asleep at the wheel, sexually harass you, steal your wallet, make you walk in the snow to Mountainview from the Union or try to charge you more because you live in Hillside. They suck.

And speaking of snow: thank you, Binghamton weather, for only snowing once this semester. It can’t be long until you realize what you’ve been missing and get your shit together!