When a man and a woman meet each other and a courtship begins, before long the man and the woman might very well start to engage in sexual activities. As outlandish as it may seem, quite a few of you college coeds are probably engaging in such activities right this moment! But, what happens if you’ve been working your thang with your male friend or female pal for a while and, suddenly, you see something you’ve never seen before?

In other words, when the mood strikes, the lights finally go out and the clothes finally come off, you notice ‘ a sexual abnormality!? (Cue scary music and blood-curdling scream.) Who? Why? Wha’choo talkin’ ’bout, Willis? There might be no real explanation for why the following can happen (or at least I will spare you the biology lesson), but join me on this voyage through the unknown, the perverse, the abnormal and the regularly unfortunate world of sexual irregularities.

For every well-shaped ass, wonderful pair of breasts and breathtaking pair of balls, you might find out there are are sets of flabby buns, saggy sandbags and old, wrinkly nuts to even things out. More specifically though, be on the lookout for the following:

1) Cock-eyed breasts: You’ve heard of a lazy eye before, but a lazy breast? Who would’ve thought that it was possible for one nipple to be pointing toward your ear while the other is pointing toward your toes? Everything seems fine and dandy while the bras are on, but once your lover’s undergarments come off, watch out for these googly-eyed grapefruits!

2) Balls that are bigger than the shaft: No man wants to admit that he suffers from this unfortunate sexual abnormality, but very often one’s berries might hang significantly lower than their branch. This condition can fluctuate depending on the outside temperature and/or barometric pressure, but nevertheless, your lover’s underachieving custard cannon might not be able to compete with his saggy, wrinkly beanbag.

3) The dreaded third nipple: No one is sure where it comes from, which nipple is the real one, or why there aren’t just two complete pairs, but this threesome is anything but kinky. Is it a zit? A birthmark? Does it lactate? The only thing we do know is that if you see a third nipple, be cautious, for your lover might be emitting high levels of radiation.

4) Oversized vaginas: Regardless of whether your lover’s a large or small girl, an oversized vagina knows no boundaries. While this sexual feature will enable you and your lover to produce enough children for a small country, it will also mean that her groove pouch will be anything but groovy. Even if you’re particularly well-endowed, you might still feel like your mushroom-tipped man-sword is no match for your lover’s spacious fortune nookie.

Now, nobody is perfect. In fact, most people are anything but. However, if your lover has any of the above features and you can look past him or her, perhaps your courtship, whether it’s been going on for a week or five minutes, can blossom into full-fledged love. So embrace those third nipples, free-hanging balls and crazy-eyed breasts, for embracing your lover’s features will help you, in turn, embrace your own.

‘ Jake Altman is a junior English and anthropology major, and sexual abnormalities are synonymous with Ron Jeremy, one of America’s most popular porn stars.