As boys reach the momentous occasion that is puberty and become men, a number of wonderful things began to occur.

First off, if they happen to be Jewish, they get to celebrate their bar mitzvah. The combination of presents and manhood deemed by your religion is an unbeatable partnership. But, more generally, boys who hit puberty start to experience a deeper voice, hair in funny places where hair never was before and perhaps the most important change, noticing women. These ‘new men’ develop crushes, and some even start to date. But one thing is standard for almost all men around this time ‘ they begin to think about having a threesome!

As these men progress through their lives ‘ experiencing their first BJ (by that, I mean their first game of blackjack, of course), the first time having sexual intercourse, getting married, having children, retiring ‘ one thought will always be at the back of their minds: threesome!

Seeing as having sex is much more fun with another person compared to having sex with yourself, what could be more fun than having sex with TWO other people? If you ask most men, the answer will most likely be ‘nothing.’ Now women, who are admittedly much smarter than men, know that we guys have the desire to have a threesome ingrained in us from conception. So, you ladies out there apparently had a secret meeting and decided on the perfect defense for our nagging threesome questions: ‘Sure ‘ as long as the third person is a guy.’ This crippling response is, of course, perfect to quell our requests, for everyone (more specifically every male) knows that the ideal threesome involves not one female, but two, and certainly only one male. More bang for your buck, more tacos to fill with your meat, more garages to fill with your hot rod ‘ you get the idea.

Sadly though, most men will never know the joys of a threesome, regardless of what the ratio of males to females is. Very few males ever get the chance, despite the millions of men who try to swindle unsuspecting roommates, twin sisters, and/or best friends into having a threesome. That means that there is only a small percentage of us males who ever get to experience multiple bouncing bosoms and bountiful buttocks at the same time. But, have no fear my hopeless, threesome-less male compadres, for I am about to spill perhaps the darkest secret of manhood: the threesome is impractical!

While the allure of having two girls at once is undeniable, the truth of the matter is that there are too many orifices for one man to even know what to do with. As many of you know, the average male has only one flesh rocket. How is he supposed to compete with multiple rocket pockets, not to mention too many ear canals to know what to do with!? Even if you can buy and/or coerce two girls into having a threesome with you, there is still the matter of who goes first, who’s on top, if you can take pictures to show your man friends how sweet you are and so on.

So, before you guys get your man-panties all in a bunch, remember that the biggest letdown of all is that every threesome results in a third wheel. Chances are, with our luck, you will be the odd MAN out.

‘ Jake Altman is a junior English and anthropology major, and Johnny Drama knows all too well about threesomes.