In our world, man has many enemies: the other team’s quarterback, the skeevy guy that hits on your girlfriend right in front of you, technology, chafing, herpes ‘ the list goes on and on. There is one enemy, however, that can strike unknowingly at any moment, at any time and anywhere. This particular enemy can even kill you (although there have been no conclusive studies proving this). That’s right, this enemy is shrinkage!

Shrinkage has befuddled and infuriated men for years. Be it a cold shower, a lukewarm pool, seeing your parents go at it ‘ shrinkage knows no boundaries.

One would think that the beginning of spring would bring us warm weather, thus helping decrease the shrinkage incidents occurring at this very moment. In case you forgot, though, we’re in Binghamton ‘ the frozen tundra of the Northeast. Instead of increased sunshine, decreased shrinkage and being able to say ‘in like a lion, out like a lamb,’ we have seen consistently low amounts of sunshine, consistently high amounts of shrinkage and the misery associated with saying ‘in like a firm, friendly frankfurter, out like a cold, crumpled cocktail weenie.’

While you might think that shrinkage doesn’t really affect those around you as much as it affects you directly, it can have surprisingly and tremendously unpleasant effects for your loved ones. Let me paint you a picture, dear reader: You, Johnny Johnerson, are a strong young lad who decides to go swimming in the neighbor’s pool with Susie Saddlebags, a young, attractive member of the female sex. Things start to get a little freaky, Susie takes off her tankini swimsuit, you take off your Speedo and you two begin to go at it like monkeys humping a kangaroo. She suggests that you two go have a little fun time in the back of her dad’s minivan, so you quickly leave the pool, when all of a sudden ‘ your neighbor catches you, shining a glaring light on your suddenly small package. Susie is crying, your neighbor is laughing and now not only will you, Johnny Johnerson, not be getting any action from Susie (or your neighbor for that matter) this evening, but your shrinkage has now had a domino effect of epic proportions. There must be a way out of this misery!

I am proposing, for the sake of Johnny Johnerson and Susie Saddlebags alike, that a device be made to regulate the temperature of the crotchal region at all times. It should be waterproof, so that you can enjoy that naughty dip in the pool; idiot-proof, because, let’s face it, we men are bound to break it if it’s complicated in any way; and it should have various scents to delight both you and anyone close to your crotch. Thanks to ‘The Man-Regulator 5000’ (as I have thus decided to call it/patent it), no man will know the plague that is shrinkage any longer!

Now, I know many of you ladies out there are thinking, ‘Well, the cold causes unfortunate effects on us too!’ While you may never know the pain that is shrinkage, ladies, your nippleitis (also known as a T.H.O., short for Tittie Hard On, Nippleis Cuttis Glassis, The Dirty Pointy Pillow Dilemma and Problematic Pink-Nosed Puppy Syndrome) can be managed as well. There will also be a bra made with the same temperature-regulating benefits of the Man-Regulator 5000, and it will be known as ‘The Boobie-Soft Bra 2500.’

So goodbye shrinkage and nippleitis. We will certainly not miss you!

‘ Jake Altman is a junior English and anthropology major, and David Hasselhoff, despite his popularity in Germany, knows shrinkage all too well.