Since the beginning of time, man has consistently needed three things to get by: (in no particular order) beer, sex and food. Now I know many of you are thinking, ‘What about sports? What about television? What about wood-working? What about the portable pocket pal vagina?’ These various products, albeit important to man, are merely a result of not having the three basic man-ecessities (as I have thus decided to call them).

Sports, while allowing the competitive nature of most men to be serviced, came about as a result of men fighting over the last few drops of beer and/or last scraps of food. Television originated when man was too lazy to get up and obtain beer, food or sex on his own, so he wanted to at least watch shows about them. Wood working started when man had to build himself a shelf to hold all of his beer, food and females. And, lastly, the portable pocket pal vagina was obviously a result of man not getting enough sex.

While these three basic man-ecessities can all hold their own, it is a mystery as to why man has never tried to combine all three at once. Perhaps such a combination would be too catastrophic and volatile to experience, but while this idea is merely theoretical, I am here to help put it into action!

From now on (and assuming that all three man-ecessities are easily obtainable), start to eat anything off your lady friend(s). Be it a jelly donut, whipped cream, chocolate sauce or a ham sandwich, enjoy your tasty treat off any part of your lady. Not only will she enjoy the fact that you’re bringing excitement to the sex life by eating off of her (maybe not with the ham sandwich), but you can nurse your hunger pains and her womanly desires at the same time. Have you ever heard a girl and your stomach orgasm simultaneously? Well, now you can! No more post-frolicking hunger pains and no longer will you eat a meal with a sexual ferocity only seen with a lack of sex.

Now I know you’re wondering: ‘How can I gracefully add the beer into the mix without upsetting my lady and/or ruining my appetite?’ Well, dear man-friend, caution must be taken, but the beer can be applied quite easily to your sexy, scrumptious, calorie-filled situation in a number of ways:

1) Have your sex meal on an actual keg. This action provides the closest proximity to the beer, but does cause discomfort in the lumbar region of your lady friend’s spine (or yours ‘ depends on who’s on top, I suppose).

2) Instead of a water bed to eat and have sex on, perhaps a beer bed is in order. Think of this beer mattress as one giant flask ‘ except you’re eating off of it and having sex on it. Watch out for puncturing it, though!

3) If you’re a bit adventurous and inventive, create a contraption that allows you to have sex, play beer pong (or flip-cup if you will) and eat at the same time. I imagine such a device could kill a man from sensory overload, but give it a try and let me know how it goes!

So go ahead and try these food-and-drink sex schemes. They might not work at first, but do not give up, because fulfilling all of your man-ecessities at once might prove to be the greatest thing you can do as a male.

‘ Jake Altman is a junior English and anthropology major, and Emeril knows how to combine these man-ecessities the proper way. BAM!