Everyday, there are a number of decisions that one must make ‘ should I wear the blue shirt or the red one? Should I actually shower or just coat myself with enough Axe body spray to mask my musky odor/kill a small mammal? Should I abstain this evening, use condoms or straight up pull out? (I don’t recommend the third choice.) Such decisions, while occasionally hard to make, end up not making a difference when everything’s said and done at the end of the day. (With the exception of pulling out, but once again, not a good idea!)

There are other decisions, however, that are absolutely impossible to make. Even at the end of the day, these decisions will plague the souls of men across the world ‘ and I’m not talking about Gucci vs. Prada here folks. I’m talking about the ass vs. the breasts.

This question has divided men since the beginning of time, or more specifically, since Adam started noticing how bangin’ Eve was looking. Many guys will say that the ass is where it’s at and there is no substitute for a lady with some junk in the trunk. On the other hand, though, just as many others will pledge that the breasticles are the besticles. I, being a relatively open-minded person, am here to present both sides of this sexist, subjective, extremely enjoyably fence.

From an ass man:

There are few things more enjoyable than seeing a woman with a bountiful, beautiful, blessed bottom. You’re not quite sure how her bottom got to be so shapely, but you certainly don’t argue with its firm texture and soothing effect. ‘She must work out!’ you think, and suddenly you start to consider getting off your lazy, perverted ass and going to the gym yourself just to be near more happy heinies. Who needs large breasts when you’ve got a girl with a butt so nice that even the clergy will say, ‘Dammmnnn, that girl’s got a nice ass!’ Sisqo was right when he said, ‘Dumps like a truck (truck, truck), thighs like what (what, what), baby move your butt (butt, butt)!’ Yes Sisqo, I too think you’ll sing it again. I think we’ll all sing it again if there are always ladies out there with tantalizing tushies, cheerful cheeks and brilliant behinds!

From a breast man:

Butts are all fine and dandy, but there is no substitute for a girl with bouncing, budding, boundless bosoms. You can play with them, you can hold things with them, you can hold your thing with them ‘ the possibilities are endless with big boobs! Perhaps we breast-likers were weaned from the teat too early. Or, perhaps we were weaned way too late. Either way, we love those boobies. Coasters, pillows, beanbag chairs, bookshelves ‘ you name it, breasts can do it! I once saw a breast take down a bear! You’re certainly no electrician, but you wonder how much voltage she’s got going on in her headlights. Who needs a girl with trash in her can when you can have a girl with enough milk in her jugs to supply a small town?! And don’t let me forget about the itty, bitty titty committee! In all, breasts, small or large, make the world go round.

There you have it. I leave it up to you to decide whether you’re a breast or ass connoisseur.

Jake Altman is a junior English and anthropology major, and even Hulk Hogan can’t decide if he’s a breast or an ass man!