If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my time here in Binghamton, it’s that you just can’t joke about certain things. Sure, it would be wonderful if everyone had an exceptional sense of humor, but such things cannot be. There are many walks of life represented on our campus, and certainly what is funny to some is offensive to others. Them’s the breaks, kid. So, for everyone’s reference, I’ve compiled a list of all the things you cannot joke about at Binghamton because someone somewhere will be offended and burn either the paper or your pubic hair. Take notes: this is important:
Eggs, bacon, chickens, socks, shirts, cutting boards, Orel Hershiser, bukkake, octogenarians, Blade III, Kobe Bryant, Kobe Beef, Jews, BUSI, global warming, hairloss, Bucky Barnes, Dick Grayson, drug addiction, all of Shaq’s movies, molestation, African-Americans, African-Canadians, Screech, tubs, genocide, wood nymphs, the collected works of Plato, President Lois B. DeFleur’s body, instant mashed potatoes, Iraq, Pol Pot, iPods, Busch, Busch Light, frats, sororities, community service, AIDS, Gary Sheffield, Gary Coleman, warranties, Irish Spring soap, doodybombs, tomato shortages, epilepsy, Opium Wars, silt, floppy wee-wees, abortion, Frisbees, pubic wigs, avian flu, oil spills, icebergs, cussing, cursing, pursing, pussing, Dr. Seuss, hurricanes, malt liquor, high gravity malt liquor, quim, poverty, liberals, the Ten Commandments, Mexican radio, Duran Duran, coifs, boggle, the YMCA, TO, OT, TKO, Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, suicide, fat people, jars of fruit preserves, Armenians, meany-heads, Primus, starvation, spooge, splooge, man-jam, Texas Roadhouse > Cheer Team, translucence/semitranslucence, animal planet, Students for Peace and Justice, the women who love them, your sister, your mom, what would they think, well, forget it, Asians, recreational heroin abuse, illegal music downloads, Kevin Federline, Gigli, doozle, and pork gravy.
That’s it. Those are all the things you cannot joke about. If it’s not on the list, feel free to joke about it in a crowded room full of women with spiked hair and flannel. I checked with them: they said it’d be super if you joked about anything except what you found above. Go for it, push your luck. It isn’t like they’ll gather up your personal belongings and start a public bonfire with them. That would be unlike them — totally out of character. They really have great senses of humor, and support free speech and whatnot so long as they’re not offended and perceive anything as a threat to the progress that they’ve made since the Seneca Falls Convention.
If you feel the need to joke about anything on the list, especially Shaq’s movies, do so with extreme caution. Kobe joked about Kazaam with a white girl in Colorado, and look what happened there. If anyone is going to make jest with any of the aforementioned topics, make sure you’re not within earshot of anyone, and only whisper it, or better yet, write it on a piece of paper, then crumple it up and burn it. Believe me, it’s just as satisfying, plus you’re not at risk to get punched in the jaw because someone didn’t like it. Just chuckle to yourself, then go home and weep uncontrollably for the sad state of affairs we find ourselves in. I am right now! Tee hee!
Ryan F. Litwin is a senior history major.