Change is difficult. Lord knows, I certainly can’t deal with any drastic change. One day I woke up and all my hair was on my pillow, and since then I’ve been reduced to a drooling, compulsively masturbating shell of my former self. It is only in these brief moments of clarity that I am able to write these darling little features.

Seeing what change did to me, the strongest, bravest, best-looking man in the world, one can imagine what must be happening to those poor, scared students who have transferred here to Binghamton this semester. Let us not forget those other students: the few, the proud, the stupid kids who took a semester off after high school to backpack through Europe and remain in a constant drug-induced stupor. They too are going to be smacked in the mouth by the transition to Binghamton life.

So now I’ll address those newcomers directly. This one is for you guys. You’re probably lost, walking around The Brain (the main road on campus) searching for something familiar in this dreary, wet armpit of New York State. No doubt you’ve shed a few southern tears (har har!). Well, fear not newbies, that’s what Release is here for. Check yourself, because we’re about to wreck yourself—and familiarize you all with some of the famous faces and wonderful places of Binghamton University and the surrounding area.

People

We’ll start off at the top. No, not the top of top of the library tower, the top of Binghamton’s hierarchy. Lois DeFleur is president and sorceress supreme of Binghamton University. She’s about seven feet tall and can bench-press a small Jeep with manual transmission. A search of urbandictionary.com reveals this description of lovely Lois: “Lois DeFlowered is a French hag and should be deported back to that hygiene-deprived country.” She is the fifth in a long and proud line of University presidents, a dynasty dating all the way back to 1946.

Lois is also a paid employee of M&T Bank, which you may notice has a nice little monopoly on campus. So every time you get take out money, make a deposit, or get charged one of their outrageous fees, Lois gets her wings and farts a tiny bit. With all the people frequenting the bank and ATMs on campus daily, you can imagine her office is just a wee bit stinky. Ms. DeFleur loves to listen to Ace of Base while taking mescaline, and apparently while in the midst of one of these benders she “saw the sign” and decided it was a good idea to pay $400,000 for it. Just to clarify, there was indeed a tentative plan to build an expensive sign, for whatever reason. People not under the influence of mind-expanding narcotics decided it probably wasn’t a good idea to throw money at a giant, gaudy sign announcing the basketball team’s most recent defeat (whoops, I mean VICTORY OVER VERMONT! GO BEARCATS!). Whatever her faults, it’s impossible to stay mad at the big teddy bear. Her sunny disposition and charitable ways have endeared her to the students and Binghamton, and gosh darnit, we can’t get enough of her!

Moving down a peg, we have one of the many VPs on campus, Vice President for Student Affairs Rodger Summers! Rodg is one of those characters that you just look at and smile. I remember once, while I was wearing very tiny shorts and a sandwich board and was screaming at Students for Peace and Justice (more on them later), Dr. Summers was standing there. He smiled and laughed and looked generally confused by my hungover antics. What more could you want in a vice president? He’ll watch you act like an idiot with a smile on his face. He’s not going to judge you (out loud, at least). If you see him, ask him about his favorite hobby, baking cakes, and give him a hug and a pat on the head.

Students for Peace and Justice is just another name for anyone who gets offended by even the mildest sense of humor. This student group, which must be avoided like the plague (a disease they’ve probably protested), likes to think that by screaming at you with megaphones as you’re walking to class that they are saving the lives of Iraqi babies. A notable former figure within the organization was Frans Koster, who objected to my mock protest against them once by threatening to cave in my skull with his fist, and claimed he could do so because he had diplomatic immunity. Real peaceful guy!

Moving on to the lovely locales of Binghamton, there’s but only one place to start: The Rathskeller Pub. In Germany, a rathskeller is a drinking establishment that is situated below ground. In Binghamton, The Rathskeller is where people go for cheap drinks and free-flowing ass and poon. Dubbed “The Rat” by Binghamton’s population, it’s located on State Street in the midst of a bunch of other bars with shitty beer and drunk kids. The Rat is by far the most famous of these local watering holes, just slightly more popular than Sports Bar because it’s easier to get into if you’re stupid enough to have been born after 1985. Most, if not all, of the people you meet in Binghamton will want to go to The Rat at least once a week. The place has recently been redecorated and it also sports a new “VIP room” which is just an excuse to piss your money away and get a fake sense of importance. Still, it has enough swill and bottom-shelf liquor to meet all your inebriation needs. If you’re a guy and you don’t get at least a hand-job after a night at The Rat, you’re better off staying in for the rest of the semester.

Equally important to mention are the various residential communities. They all have their own personality, which is a nice way of saying that you can stereotype each one. College-in-the-Woods (CIW) is pretty much skater and stoner heaven. Many, many towels have been stuffed under doors to prevent the emission of certain aromas. Dickinson is comprised only of nerds. The legends of a three-year-long continuous game of Dungeons and Dragons are probably true. The rumors of a robot army secretly being built are unsubstantiated, but again, probably true. Newing is renowned for one thing, and that’s the fact it has the worst God damned dining hall on campus, even with its recent “facelift.” Hinman has a nice big hill and a lot of dirt. Mountainview is basically a hospital without all the fun. I don’t think anyone even lives in Susquehanna. Hillside likes to think it’s off-campus and independent living, but c’mon, you can still hear that stupid Library Tower chime every hour.

Coming to Binghamton from Long Island (the only place that matters), I had never even heard of Wegmans. Needless to say, that changed pretty quickly. If you’ve never been, you must go. It’s the classiest super market you’ll ever see. They have a room full of beer, and you can never go wrong with a room full of beer. Seriously, Wegmans is the place to be. They have heros and all sorts of other shit that’s just too much to describe here. Yeah, it’s not necessarily a humorous take on the place, but Wegmans isn’t for shits and giggles.

That about wraps things up. There are plenty more places to go and people to meet, but for now, you can all go to hell and figure the rest of it out by yourselves. I can’t hold your hand through everything, you know? Thank you for your time, and welcome to Binghamton.