Every once in a while, Binghamton University’s marketing phenoms pull something good out of their creative minds. Take, for example, those tiny shorts that say Binghamton on the back. They’re ingeniously designed so the word gets lost in the crack of any girl who would put them on. There’s nothing like walking behind a girl who’s wearing those—unless of course she’s fat. Then all you can see is “ton” on her right ass cheek.

Even the geniuses behind ass-shorts can screw up. Some of the shit they think of is downright stupid, and they’re probably hoping that nobody ever finds out about it. Well, with this new weekly feature, we’ve dug up the cream of the crap and we will be presenting it to you, our loyal readers. Here it is folks!

Bearcat Merkin? What is a merkin, you say? Why, it’s a pubic wig, of course. It was worn by whores in the olden days to cover up syphilis scars after they shaved off their real pubes to get rid of lice. I’m not shitting you. Anyway, knowing that many female students of, eh, “loose morals” might benefit from such a product, the marketing whizzes came up with the Bearcat Merkin. Adorned with the loveable likeness of our mascot, Baxter the Bearcat, it is affixed to the shaved pubic region using an adhesive substance. When put to the test, though, most people were turned off by the face of a cartoon cat smiling at them from just above the vagina. The idea was scrapped, but the legend lives on. Reportedly there are still a few preliminary test merkins floating around out there. If you see one, let us know—we will provide a reward.