You can’t please everyone. This is especially true on Valentine’s Day. Getting the wrong gift for someone can spell disaster and a night spent alone. There’s always the chance you might forget to add someone to your gift list as well. You know, if you’re into polygamy or something.

Love it or hate it, Valentine’s Day is coming up, and therefore Release is here to aid you in pleasing that certain special someone(s). Away we go!

Let us first focus on the girlfriends. This can be a tough one. Sometimes they tell you they don’t want a present, but don’t believe them. Women are a clever bunch and they know just what they’re doing. Feminine wiles be damned! Anyway, think about her hobbies. What does she like? Sure, you could go for the standard dozen roses and watch as they wither away just like your poor excuse for a relationship, or you can get something that has meaning. Does she love her car? Get her a fuzzy Hello Kitty steering wheel cover. Is she obsessed with “The OC?” Buy her a one-way ticket to California. Is she really into riding horses? Get her some Febreeze.

There’s also a dinner-date option, but for the perfect place to take your lady-friend, see the restaurant review at the conclusion of this feature.

An oft-forgotten figure is your mother. She carried your fetal ass for nine months and then pushed your deformed head out of her birth canal, and you don’t even get her a card? Be you (BU!) a girl or a guy, your mom deserves a little love, and not the romantic kind, you sick shit. Get your mind out of the gutter. Moms love sappy shit, so why not bring her the trunk of a maple tree? Eh? Anyone? Nevermind. She might also appreciate a well-written letter expressing your appreciation for all the hard work she put into raising you. A card works too, if you don’t have any imagination. What if your mom abandoned you as an infant because she was 16 and got knocked up at the local sock hop? Then you’re beyond our help. Do you even know who you are anymore? Regardless, you can simply get your adopted mom a present, or slip your social worker a twenty.

Many of us here at Binghamton University know the joys of a very special relationship, one with those who help us through periods of crisis and answer so many questions. They are our TAs, and many of them are Turkish. So for Valentine’s Day, what do you get for the Turkish TA that has everything? How about a simulated trip back to his or her homeland? Stay with me here. First off, you’re going to have to prepare a nice meal for him/her. Start off with some delicious vine leaf wraps or some delectable Biber Dolmasi. Hell, make some Karniyarik if you’re feeling dangerous. You Turks know what I’m talking about, what-what!

After that you’re going to want to get to some meat, so grill up some shish kebabs. The more you marinate, the more appreciative your TA will be. For dessert, some baklava is always a good idea. If you and your TA are over 21, break out the Raki, a Turkish liquor similar to Sambuca, and get that party jumping. When you’re good and drunk, you might want to try your hand at another beloved Turkish tradition: oil wrestling. Break out the extra-virgin olive oil, rub yourselves down (this is a good way to repel mosquitoes too), and start slippin’ and grippin’. When that’s done, feel free to discuss the works of influential poet Tevfik Fikret and how his poems influenced the political and social culture of the Ottoman Empire. In doing all this, you’re sure to make your this the best Valentine’s Day your TA has ever had.

Now what about that overworked, underappreciated Binghamton University administrator? Setting agendas for the progress of BU and changing the drop deadline to the day after classes start is hard, lonely, thankless work. Instead of spitting on the base of the Couper Administration Building this Valentine’s Day, why not do something to show them how much you care? A romantic night out at the restaurant Number 5 with Lois DeFleur and Rodger Summers is just what Cupid prescribed. Take turns feeding them in a provocative manner, taking care to tease their taste buds with the most delicious slabs of Whitefish this side of the Susquehanna. After they’re good and stuffed, surprise them with a cake you baked and decorated yourself. Dr. Summers will especially enjoy this. Then it’s time to head down to State Street, and more specifically, to Flashbacks. Enjoy a beer with Lois as she reminisces about her experiences in the 80s: her feathered hair, her legwarmers, those nights spent trying to sneak into Skid Row’s dressing room, and her brief stint as host of “Yo! MTV Raps.” Remember to pay for all her drinks, and ask the DJ for a special request. Once you hear the opening licks of Journey’s “Open Arms,” pull both Lois and Rodg onyo the dance floor and profess your undying love for each of them. At the very least, you’ll get free tuition for a semester.

Now everything we’ve said thus far is great, if you’ve got someone to share Valentine’s Day with. If you don’t, you’re probably sinking deeper into depression as the day grows near. You’re alone, you’re crying, pigging out on Ben and Jerry’s and generally feeling like doody. But who’s to say just because you can’t find a significant other or even just someone to woo that you can’t enjoy yourself on this upcoming commercial clusterfuck? Put that student ID to good use and treat yourself to a discounted movie, something uplifting like “Big Mama’s House 2.” If that doesn’t make you feel better, it’s time to see a shrink. Inflating that long-neglected lovedoll is also a good idea. Give her a good rinse first in case she’s been lying crumpled at the bottom of your steamer trunk for too long, then show her why your friends at Fat Cat Books call you “Thor’s Hammer.” If you’re feeling adventurous, fill her up with hydrogen, light as many candles as possible, and go to town. If you make it out unscathed, you can say it was a good Valentine’s Day.

(Boyfriend sidebar: Bring him a beer. Rub his belly. Done, and done.)

With our help, the only thing cold and dreary on Valentine’s Day will be the weather. You don’t have to thank us. Just invite us to your wedding/same-sex union. The happy smiles and loving glances you shoot each other will be reward enough. Unless you’re alone. Then you can just send us some erotic fiction you wrote about your lovedoll. I’m not saying we’ll read it, but the gesture is nice. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!