Allah be praised, sometimes I just don’t understand what goes on in the minds of the people responsible for our merchandise. Little monkeys with Velcro hands get the big thumbs up, but lucrative gold mines like the Bearcat Merkin are thrown into a mass grave it dug for itself. Such is life. Sometimes the most useless shit is sold for $20 while the really useful things, like a furry STD concealer, are aborted like an unwanted Laotian.

Take for example our next case. Ladies, have you ever had that unclean feeling “down there?” Have you ever been so overcome with school spirit that you have to choreograph your movements to a “Jock Jams” album? Have you ever been so afraid of the smell of an incoming tide that you wouldn’t raise your leg above your head? Well, someone on the marketing research team was all too aware of these problems, and thus was born the Binghamton Cheer Team douche.

In late 1999, we didn’t have the Events Center. The men’s basketball team was competent but wasn’t drawing a huge crowd. The problem, in many people’s eyes, was a smell like the South Street Seaport that permeated the entire West Gym every time a cheerleader performed a Scorpion Stunt. As people fled the gym with looks on their faces like they had bit into ripe lemons, it became clear that something had to be done. R&D came up with a great idea: mix water with vinegar, put it in a green and white applicator bottle, and allow the lovely ladies of the cheer team to relax themselves enough where they could insert and rinse. All was going well until some pesky scientist pointed out that the pH level of the vagina was being disrupted and made it easier for infections to occur. This culminated in the great Uterine Drought of 2001, where during an important America East contest, the entire cheer team’s labia collectively shriveled up like prunes and their pyramid collapsed. Only three survived. Looking on the brightside, it did make way for today’s super hot and flexible team, and the pants of BU men have been tighter ever since.