After three years of saving up the stolen quarters I’ve been taking from the blind in New York City, I finally had enough money to travel to Europe. My first course of travel brought me to a place with legendary red light districts, streets loaded with prostitutes and all but nonexistent drug laws. That’s right, you guessed it ‘ Kazakhstan.

For those who are not familiar with Kazakhstan, this is the country homeland of Borat Sagdiyev, famous Kazakh journalist. Unless Hollywood has lied to me (which I HIGHLY doubt), Kazakhstan is known for its many human rights infractions, police brutality and political corruption. Naturally, I found it a great place to spend my spring break. I packed my bags, threw an American flag over my shoulder and headed straight to the airport.

When I got there, I wanted to soak in the local culture. After trying several times to ask someone (who appeared at the time to be homeless) where I could find the nearest burlesque, I realized something funny was going on. It was almost as though the people seemed possessed and were speaking in tongues. I tried pleasing them and their gods by putting a few nickels in their cups, but only after did I realize that their begging cups were filled with coffee. I told them their begging had to be improved, but they continued speaking in tongues and began pelting me with rocks.

After a few more encounters similar to this, I realized something that did not seem obvious to me at the time: they didn’t speak English! I first thought they were messing with me, so I took out the American flag every patriot carries in their pocket and began waving it in the air and singing the national anthem to give them an idea of the quality of service I expect from my homeless.

During my short stay at the hospital, I began thinking about what I could do to improve Kazakhstan. I’ve decided that the first step to saving this country from damnation was to force them to speak English. I thought back to fellow culture warrior Bill O’Reilly and remembered what he said about a culture war, and how certain cultures he deemed less worthy than traditional American culture could hurt our country. Under his argument, I came to the conclusion that Kazakhstan too can benefit from our great culture, so why not impose it on them as well?

Some states have taken great steps in fighting this culture war, such as introducing ‘English only’ laws into their books. These laws are put into good use, since they are adopted by states such as California, which has over a quarter of her population speaking Spanish and only about 60 percent of the population considered white American. We know that when making an oppressive law, we want it to affect and discomfort the most amount of people possible, so California was a great choice. An even better choice for these kinds of laws would be Kazakhstan, since even more people would be affected by the change and they would be blessed with a new superior American culture.

Due to the apparent political corruption of the country, I decided that even with the American currency I had, which grows in value daily, I didn’t have enough to introduce my brilliant plan. I returned to the States with a sense of defeat, but not forgetting my fellow ‘Americans-to-be,’ I pledged to do something about it. I tried collecting money for the cause, but after six months fell short of my goal of $250. I finally decided to throw spreading Christianity in the package, and less than a week later we had church sponsorship!

Now we just need a plan to get them to stop worshiping that damn hawk.

‘ Branko Blagojevic is a senior management major. He will be accepting donations in the form of drinks at the Mad Moose Saloon Friday and Saturday nights.